|crap. i thought i had it all figured out.
||[19 Oct 2007|04:45am]
i can't tell if i'm advancing or falling behind. it's very weird.
i'm weak. i can see it. i can feel it. i'm extremely weak.
but my nefound awareness of my weakness allows me to gain strength. i've never been able to see and feel my weakness like this before.
additionally, i can put my awareness into my limbs. i can feel... things i wouldn't normally feel.
i can put my awareness into my hand. then when i choose to grab something, i can feel an intense desire to consume as if my hand were a mouth. when i chose to support something with my hand, i can feel it intensely, as if i were giving my entire body to hold all of the weight of a loved one.
but i can easily remove myself from that. go back into my head, or go back into my body, or my legs, or feet. perhaps i could go into my organs as well. since it's late at night, i can't try going into other people.
but none-the-less, i'm weak. i'm frail. i'm made of flesh and bone.
i can't crush a rock. i can't lift thousands of pounds. i can barely survive.
it might be that my mind is not a part of my body.
maybe i need to do that next.
i just don't get it. i've failed. i've more than failed, and i'm still failing. yet here i am taking another step upward, one that i didn't realize existed. am i playing a weird game of shutes and ladders? do i keep chosing the right shutes?
i'm really confused now.
i think this is the first time an epiphany/awakening has utterly confused me.
but... at least i'm myself now. i'm aware of how weak i am. i can feel reality.
|aha. i think i've firuged it out
||[10 Oct 2007|11:03pm]
i've been trying to think of one thing at a time, to focus on one thing at a time.
that's just not how my brain works.
i have to have other things available to switch between at will. i have to continuously branch into new things.
i'm totally a wood element.
lay waste to an area. create flat fertile ground. (organization mode)
plant a few seeds, grow a bit.
branch off into all remotely interesting paths.
work on all branches at once.
i just can't focus unless i have 5 fractally organized things to focus on.
and i feel so fucking stupid and proley for not realizing this sooner. it's so obvious to me, but it's so against the system that i hadn't thought of actually doing it. i've thought of trying to do it, certainly, but i've never thought of a way to actually do it.
|one more time....
||[19 Sep 2007|03:09am]
one more time, i have the ability to start everything tomorrow.
one more time, i have a need to do everything.
one more time, i have a desire and a will to begin.
may it be the last time.
||[25 Aug 2007|12:49am]
i'm in organization mode right now.
this is the mode i get in that makes me ready to reorganize my entire life, and set everything up for continuous future use.
most of the time, i'm an absolute pack-rat. i never throw anything away. but when i'm in organization mode, i'm ready to look through everything i have, throw stuff away that i'm never going to use, and create definite plans for using the other things. also, i'm ready to optimize my space and furniture.
as an example, my computer has a lot of programs on it that i have no idea what they're used for. i put some things in folders that i can't easily find. i lack appropriate tools for everything i wish to do, yet have extra tools for other things. my desktop is cluttered and out of order. my C drive is full, and i don't remember what's in it.
i feel like backing up everything, reformatting my hard drive, and installing all of the best free programs available for creative uses.
unfortunately, i don't have the time to do that, and would rather wait until i get a new computer some years in the future. but i can at least organize my projects enough that i can get started on them.
the fact that i can't go down to ground zero is a real downer for organization mode.
|GAH! every time!
||[01 Aug 2007|01:22am]
it happens every single time i get excited!
it's always just before my bed time. and if i don't sleep at the right time, i get lethargic the next day.
the excitation gives me the ability to focus 100% on anything i want for the rest of the day. but at 1am, i have nothing to focus it on, 'less i risk utterly screwing up my sleep schedule.
gaaaaah! i'm going to go crazy like this!
must calm down... must sleep....
must try again tomorrow....
||[21 Jul 2007|11:44am]
today and yesterday, i've been subconsciously measuring the passage of time in terms of what i could have done.
previously, i subconsciously measured the passage of time in terms of what i did.
that's a good thing.
||[15 Jul 2007|02:26am]
so, i'm in the process of making a web site.
basically, to organize and publicize my life. and subtley, to provide motivation to work harder.
i made 5 blogs on blogger, hosted on my site. one of which will be a vlog, using youtube.
yes, all 5 have a purpose. no, they can't be combined, they conflict too much. for example, one is purely for metaphysical scientific experiments, and i won't respond to any comments that aren't scientific in nature. while another is basically what i used to use lj for.
i don't know what i'll use livejournal for. i think i'll keep it as a general life updater, and i won't publicize it. i may post some of my blogger entries on LJ. i'm not sure.
this web site is step 1 in my attempt to become influentially rich and famous.
oh, it's www.epigeios.com
there's nothing on it yet, though (aside from my undeveloped stat sheet). come back in a week. in two weeks, it might be fully functional. in a month, it might be finished.
|Epigeios Achievement Scale
||[14 Jul 2007|03:35am]
No Number: - no definitive concept of art
0: - aware of existence of art, but unable to use
0-9:beginner - missing and learning basics.
10-19:novice - improving on basics. if you have an idea in mind, you are able to try to make it.
20-29:intermediate - start learning intermediate techniques. you have become aware of, and can work on, your own personal style (you always have a personal style, but you're not very aware of it until now).
30-39:artisan - improve on intermediate techniques. if someone asks you to make an idea they have, you are able to try to make it (previously, you would have to make it your own idea).
40-49:advanced - start learning advanced techniques. every new technique from here on, you learn and improve on in the same step (you intuitively understand how your medium works).
50-59:master - start learning master techniques. you are able to pick and use any emotion or thought as though you are picking a paintbrush, (emotions and thoughts are the same as physical tools to you).
60-69:high master - start learning high master techniques. these are the last of the known techniques. you are able to make any idea, yours or others', to satisfaction without real effort.
70-79:grand master - start to create your own new techniques. you are able to intuitively understand, and use like other tools, the difference between nothingness, absence, excessiveness, obvious, randomness, chaos, and ordinary.
80-89:elder - you know everything there is to know about your art. you start working on techniques that alter the nature and boundaries of your medium, that push beyond the limits of your art (including the spiritual limits).
90-99:high elder - there's not much left. this is when, after you know everything, and can do everything, you keep improving on everything until you can do everything perfectly without real effort.
100:god mode - you are a god of your art. work your magic.
total time it takes to raise to a certain level, if it's about the only thing you do (with the intent to learn):
intermediate(20): 1 month
advanced(40): 1 year
master(50): 2 years
high master(60): 5 years
elder(80): 15 years
god(100): 30 years
you will never find mainstream art above level 45.
||[07 Jul 2007|01:04am]
time to start working on more mental/emotional powers/understanding.
||[28 Jun 2007|08:48pm]
so, i've decided that i'm going to count all of my skills and trades in terms of "levels" now.
obviously, the list won't be complete for a long time, as some skills are currently hidden, or just plain unknown, until i begin to level them up.
but that's unimportant :3
oh, and i'm also going to have a health bar (as a percentage). one for general health. one for stamina (referring largely to internal health). one for mental health, and one for spiritual health.
so for the time being...
Level 20 Human/Beast
webcrafter +1. now lvl 1
Traits (add the word "sense" to the end of each trait)
Psychic Compass: 1
Moral Compass: 4
Make Decision: 1
One-Handed Sword: 1
|damn it! why don't we have that!?
||[26 Jun 2007|01:32am]
in Scandinavia, there's a holiday for the summer solstace called "Juhannus".
it's celebrated by lighting huge bonfires on the beach.
i guess i'll have to wait until next year to celebrate it... but at least i'll have an excuse to start a bonfire on the beach. and that way, i won't feel sad if no one else comes ^^
|Enma Ai, Jigoku Shoujo.
||[19 Jun 2007|01:55am]
Hell's Correspondent is always sad, because she must forever ferry souls into her domain. for all eternity, she must witness pain and suffering, bringing a desire for revenge greater than any happiness. and to act out that revenge, ferry two souls into hell. one at that moment, and one upon death.
i want to be a guardian angel. then, not only could i stop the suffering of revenge; i could stop the sufferring of the little girl known as Hell's Correspondent.
i absolutely love dark anime.
it brings out my fighting instincts, and reminds me that some things are worth fighting for.
||[12 Jun 2007|10:56pm]
the yin-yang is one unit of chaos.
in a metaphorical sense, it is the smallest measurable unit of space and time, and also the smallest particle that makes up the larger nano particles.
||[08 Jun 2007|06:42pm]
almost time for action.
|wheel of morality
||[04 Jun 2007|06:01am]
early to rise and early to bed
makes a man healthy but socially dead
|By golly i've done it!
||[10 May 2007|09:57am]
i've finally found the 7 heavenly virtues matching the 7 deadly sins.
i've already said this, but i'll say it again for clarity.
the 7 deadly sins exist in the lower tantien.
the 7 beastly counterparts exist in the middle tantien.
the 7 heavenly virtues exist in the upper tantien.
they go like this:
Pride - Dignity - Integrity
Wrath - Anger - Protection (will to protect self and others)
Lust - Attraction - Intimacy (not only sexual)
Envy - Jealousy - Humility
Sloth - Laziness - Faith
Gluttony - Hunger - Patience
Greed - Desire - Admiration
yes, i'm aware that "intimacy", "protection", and "admiration" aren't among the "7 heavenly virtues" but that doesn't matter, because those are the emotions i felt by migrating the sin up through my middle to my upper tantien.
these are correct. no doubt about it.
they're largely beyond the language limit, but they're correct.
my next task is to figure out what emotions combinations of the above become.
for example, Jealousy + Humility = 'desire to attain a goal'. and Sloth + Faith = Hope (the one that comes out of Pandora's Box).
it's possible that the sins + virtues always equal a self-destructive comfort.
and my guess is that motivations + virtues = a positive force, and motivations + sins = a negative force.
as a side-note, it's really fun to see words come together like this.
i've known and preached for a long time that comfort is bad. to discover that all comforts are likely a combination of sins and virtues is... enjoyable.
sins are a feeling of deserving. virtues are a feeling of compassion. it makes sense that comfort is a feeling of deserving compassion.
as another example, Gluttony + Patience = the feeling you get when you know you're going to get something you think you deserve. it's the comfort of predictability, basically. it's the thing i think of first when i hear buddhists say "don't get attached".
|i think i've figured it out.
||[09 May 2007|05:09am]
you know how people always say "i want to cry, but i can't"
that always applied to me, in one way or another.
but now i see why.
i want to cry because everyone is slowly dying.
nobody is trying to stay alive.
and there's nothing i can do about it.
imagine the situation of a freezing, snowing night. temperature well below zero.
you're 10 years old, dragging your dead-drunk mother back home from the bar because you know that if she were to fall asleep, she would die.
as you drag her, and plead for her to wake up, she only responds with "just let me sleep here. i'll be fine. just let me sleep."
she's too heavy for you to carry. you're getting exhausted just dragging her.
you're getting too tired. you're unable to carry her any farther.
the only thing you can do is cry, and scream "wake up! please wake up!"
then when you're done screaming, pleading for her to desire life, pleading for her to understand, you can't do anything else but cry.
the general population is the mother. i'm the 10 year old child. the only difference is that so many people have died that i'm done crying. now i'm just looking for ways to save, to wake up, the people who are still alive.
because even though everyone dies, i can't give up on others' lives without giving up on my own.